There have been a couple of high profile suicides lately. Consequently, there is a lot of suicide outreach going on in the media and online. I support that. I understand depression and I know that suicidal trains of thought are usually temporary and just need to be shunted onto a new track. Awareness, outreach, intervention are all good things.
If anyone I know is having dark thoughts, I hope they know they can always turn to me. I’ll grouch a bit if you wake me in the middle of the night, but I will get up and put on coffee. We can talk, we can cry, we can curse the darkness, but we will make it through until morning and things will look better then.
That being said …
People who struggle with mental illness can be at increased risk for suicide, certainly, but the reverse is not true. Many people who commit suicide have no symptoms of mental illness at all. Better mental health care is a noble idea, but is not the complete solution to ending suicides.
Sometimes when friends and loved ones miss any sign of trouble brewing, it’s because the person in trouble worked very hard to keep it hidden. Someone who plans a suicide with careful consideration and sufficient resolve often avoids suspicion altogether. Not seeing it coming is part of the plan.
Here is the hard truth: When someone is determined to die, they can’t be stopped.
You can be aware and see nothing. You can reach out and receive soothing smiles. You can attempt to intervene and end up convinced that there’s really no problem. And then they die.
It’s heart-wrenching to lose a loved one that way. But while you cope with the shock, loss and grief, consider giving yourself a pass on the guilt. There really may have been no way to change things. Don’t whip yourself for missing signs if there were really none there to be seen.
Hold close those you love. The wolf is always at the door.