Marketer extraordinaire Seth Godin describes “tribes” as groups that develop a persona, along with a set of words, actions and symbols that convey the message: “People like us do things like this.” Whether it’s the charities you support, the iPhone you carry or the television programs you watch, these symbols signal your alignment with one tribe or another.
A classic tribal example is a college fraternity. We all know the claims: brotherhood, service, networking, blah blah blah. The narrative is that membership is desirable, a shortcut to a more secure future. We are special, they say. Be one of us, they say. Then they teach you—quickly and fiercely—what it means to be “us”, and how to distinguish “us” from everyone else.
In far too many cases, the things that fraternity “people like us” do are despicable. Fraternity boys almost universally define manhood as withstanding—and later inflicting—physical abuse, all while downing toxic quantities of alcohol. These paragons of brotherhood and service, these future leaders of tomorrow, begin by normalizing any and all kinds of abuse as manly behavior. And that doesn’t even begin to address their behavior concerning women.
Somehow, though, this destructive and often criminal behavior is repeatedly dismissed. It’s minimized and excused with a “boys will be boys” reaction. The organization’s administration clucks its tongue, disavows any knowledge of such behavior, and does a lot of public relations handsprings to make sure that everything ultimately goes quietly away without any serious consequences for anyone.
We wouldn’t want to run the risk of ruining the futures of these fine young men. They have a lifetime left to drink, mistreat women, rip off companies and wallow in corruption. Surely a slap on the wrist is sufficient, goes the argument. We won’t ever do it again, they promise. Then the nod and the wink, and it’s back to business as usual.
I fully realize that no one will ever change a certain amount of this sort of behavior. The fact is that, like the poor, the assholes are with us always. What we can change, though, is the notion that this is all okay, that it results in men of character who will lead us into tomorrow. We can encourage our sons to shun these clowns and develop their power elsewhere. We can demand that these organizations accept responsibility for the behaviors they encourage. Crimes are crimes, even when committed in a frat house.
Mostly, though, we can stop rewarding these assholes in a civilized society. It’s not hard. Don’t admire them. Don’t encourage them. Don’t hire them. Don’t marry them and have their children. And never, ever make excuses for them.
Call them out on their behavior. Demand accountability. If we want good men, we must reward diligence and ability while punishing corruption and abuse. As a society, we must scorn the secret password and the secret handshake, along with the men who think nothing more will be required of them.
When enough people like us do things like this, our world will take a turn for the better.